Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Realisation

I realised last night what is wrong my life at the moment.  For the last couple of months I have felt this overbearing feeling of 'fedupness' - to be extremely fed up.  After six years of high school and almost four of University I've had enough of studying and constantly having to try hard. I just want to take things easy for a bit.  It took for one of my friends to leave university for me to grasp just how hard university can be at times.  People don't tell you this when you say you want to go to university - they congratulate you and make jokes about how little money you will have - they don't tell you that you'll spend a good four year being almost constantly stressed out. I can't remember the last time I truly relaxed.

I have no idea where my life is going after university.  I have basically no journalism experience and therefore can't get a job and I have travelled no where my whole time at university.  I'm still pretty upset that the study abroad placement I applied for did not work out.  That was one of my main reasons for coming to university and one of my reasons for studying journalism - I want to travel.  Well actually it is more a need. I feel like part of me is missing.

It also looks less and less likely that I'm gonna graduate with a 2:1, this upsets me a lot more than I let on.  It would appear I'm not as intelligent as I thought I was and I'm not sitting at a 2:2 due to lack of trying.  I work my ass off but now I just don't see the point, my hard work over the years hasn't got me where I wanted it to.  Looking back I almost feel that when I came to university I lost a part of myself.

I used to be so ambitious and now I just feel like I'll never be successful.  I'll never get that job or life that I crave.

What I do know though is that I need to see the world. I've always thought that I would be happier elsewhere. I have always had the urge to run and I think being held back in Stirling for four year is starting to get to me.

I wish I belonged to one of those families that go on nice holidays regularly, so then I would have seen a fair bit of the world by the age of 21 but I've reached this age and all I've seen is Spain, London and Paris (when I was 9). I haven't really travelled anywhere. Through my highers and university career I haven't been on a single holiday - no wonder I'm stressed out!

I have hope that I will travel after university but it all depends on money and getting a job - which does not look likely. I'm gonna apply for graduate schemes and jobs but I doubt I'll get any of them but it is worth a shot.

I'm fed up of life feeling so hard.  I'm fed up of stressing out over money.  I just want to feel like myself again.

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