Sunday, 6 November 2011


I make no secret of the fact I have a mild anxiety disorder, I don't see the point in hiding it from people.  It's not something I feel I should be ashamed of, its just one of those things that happens.  Plus I think its easier for people to understand me if they know.  My anxiety sometimes leads me acting a bit strange, quiet, detached - you get the picture yeah?  I would hate to think I was coming off as rude to someone and they didn't know that it was that causing it and not sheer rudeness. Don't get me wrong though if I don't like you - you'll know about it.

Most people who read this blog (if anyone haha) will conclude that I'm writing this so people feel sorry for me, I'm really not.  I don't think people should feel sorry for me because things could be a lot worse.  However I do think that anxiety as a disorder is something that is not well understood by people and is often brushed over. I feel a bit melodramatic myself writing this but having anxiety is a lot different from just feeling anxiety.

I feel that a lot of people don't understand this though and think that its just being dramatic or attention seeking or whatever else you wish to call it but I really wish that was the case. There are days when I simple do not want to leave the house, the idea of being surrounded by people panics me.  Its not necessarily that I'm scared of the physical people but that I'm scared of the judgement.  Since at times my anxiety makes me terribly paranoid and I do think that everyone is looking at me, for all the wrong reasons.

To feel anxious means you worry about things and maybe get into a slight panic but its usually about important things, yeah?  Whereas I feel this way everyday about anything.  I can feel this way about say running out of milk and knowing that I'll need to go get some and having to plan to go do so.  I'll get on to the importance of planning in my life later on in this blog.  It is a bit crazy and its really annoying!

I think I've had an anxiety disorder for a long time if I'm being honest but I just kind of pushed aside and thought that it was normal to feel this way, until I started getting really bad migraines and sickness.  At that point I decided it probably wasn't that normal and went to the Dr's.   They gave me 'propranolol' which is a common beta blocker and since I've been given them I now have a few friends which have also been prescribed them.  It would appear that almost everyone is on drugs these days.

I assume that most people with mental disorders feel this way as unlike physical disorders you can't see them and then it obviously makes it hard to prove you have it.  For example - say you don't feel well and you don't want to go to class you could e-mail you tutor and say this and it would be alright but I feel to e-mail a tutor and say "Sorry I'm feeling terribly anxious today and I can't come to your class" -isn't a good enough reason not to go because all students to an extent feel that way and the tutor would probably argue that.

I spent a long time trying to figure out when exactly I began to feel like this but I never quite worked it out but I think my parents divorce and being stuck in the middle; combined with a manipulative ex-best friend probably have a lot to do with it.

I think mental disorders need to be looked at more in schools because its not something I can remember ever being spoke about in school considering 1 in 4 people will experience some sort of mental illness in a year and 10% of children have one at any given time.

Mixed anxiety and depression are also the most common mental disorders in Britain.  So if you have anxiety you are certainly not alone.  Also if you feel you might be feeling more anxious than what is considered normal I advise you go to your doctors for a chat.  There is no shame in asking for help, actually I feel there is more shame in not asking for help.  If you don't ask for help chances are you are going to burden your friends and family. The statistics are from The Mental Health Foundation.

I also have a massive love for plans I think this is probably linked to my anxiety though, I need to have plans or I actually can't function.  I'll never be one of those spontaneous types.  I plan for everything.  My chain of thought is very much a running schedule - if you are friends with me you will have no doubt noticed it.  I get really quite stressed when I don't stick to my plan, which is often my downfall as I love procrastinating as much as the next person.

Anyways, the point of this blog was to highlight that I feel anxiety disorders are misunderstood and that I think some work needs to be done towards changing this.  I also acknowledge that there are a lot more important issues that attitude needs to be changed towards such as gay marriage.

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